2023 was a weird year for me. It was kind of what I would call a depressed year, which to me is what I call a year that feels negative and that I’m happy to be over, but when I list both the positives and the negatives of the year, the positives list grows faster and longer than the negatives list. I’m quite sure this has a lot to do with having a lot of background stress during the first half, and then just never getting the chance to relax and reset again until now, but I’ll get more back to that later in the negatives prompt. So let’s go through them in the order I presented them in yesterday’s post.
Big purchases of the year, and where my money went
I want to start out by really underlining how privileged I know I am to having been able to make these purchases this year, and do feel allowed to skip by this part of my post if you’re in a position that makes this triggering to you.
The five things that top my list of purchases I still am truly delighted I made this year is first both my sewing and my overlock machine, these have brought me so much joy and I’ve thought myself to sew things I really love and that fit me well. The third was my electrical bicycle, although I did not get to use it as much as I’d like because of some health things and then bad weather and bad mental health – but I really look forward to using it a lot more this upcoming summer. Forth I let go of the last chances I had of affording a vacation to buy my own archery equipment, and of my do I adore that choice. And last of my top five, I finished off this year by getting myself a new MacBook Air. The last time I bought myself a computer was back in 2014 when I started university for the first time, and although that one has been a really good friend during the years, it could no longer keep up with me – and a new one was needed and with enough funds to make that happen, I got myself the best combined Christmas and birthday present I could.
What are some big positives of the year?
I started of the year by celebrating my birthday with a sledging and grilling on a fire pan day with some great people, and started three new hobbies I really love and have continued – these being Archery, sewing clothes and knitting sweaters. These have all brought me so much happiness, and such feelings of accomplishment and problem solving – I can’t see myself ever quitting them. I did also get into shadow work and working with the lunar phases which I feel has been very beneficial to me. I went to my first medieval festival, and loved it, and I did as well get another tattoo from my favorite book of my favorite book series Throne of Glass. I ate so much good food, went to a cabin with Heidi and really relaxed. And although it was a result of most likely the saddest thing to happen this year, I managed to fulfill my longest held promise to my grandad “Offa”. As he 19 years ago asked me if I, when his funeral came, could sing the song Gabriella’s Song. Although that was a promise easier made when I still believed I would become a song star and not an auditor, I’m really happy and proud I managed to come through on it.
What are some big negatives of the year?
Back to why my first half of the year had me lost, stressed and a bit empty. One of my goals for 2023 was to do some necessary health check ups – and one of these is that from the age of 25 in Norway you’re supposed to get yourself checked for cervical cancer. But when I turned 25, the world soon went into lock down because of Covid, and that got more on the back burner. 2023 I therefore decided it was about time, and I got an appointment at the end of January – which to me already is a traumatic experience because of other experiences I’ll not get into. A bit more than a month later I got the message that I had both the relevant viruses and cell changes that required further testing. Another more invasive test done, and another month of waiting later I got the same message again and that I would be sent to the hospital to get the tissue in question removed and sent in for further testing on whether or not it was cancerous or not. Luckily the message came back that it was not, but that message did not come until the beginning of August – meaning that for half a year I always had the thought of do I have cancer or not living in the back of my mind, which was definitely very draining.
As soon as I got that message, it was back to work and school and the normal stress of life without having the time to just breathe. There were floods and drought, there were (and are) wars going on, and in general the world felt like a negative and hopeless place. My mental health was crap, and getting out of bed and apartment in general this fall was a feat in and of itself. Exam and school stress got started for real at the end of October, and then in November one of my grandads, Offa, very quickly got sick, and ended up dying in the midle of December. Underlining this year as not one of the good or great ones.
How have I changed over the last year?
Over the last year I have spent a lot of time doing shadow work, diving deeper into myself and especially the parts I have for different reasons been thought to, or found easiest to hide. Some of the shadow work got pressed on my by the things that happened, making it necessary if I were to have any hope of getting back to days where it did not feel incomprehensible to want to get out of bed. But I have also found myself getting calmer with in myself with this work, and get more comfortable with what I really want and need. I feel like I’ve started to land within myself, not completely, but I’m getting there. My plans for the future have changed a bit, and I have come even more over on the side of JOMO instead of FOMO (joy instead of fear of missing out). I am both sadder and happier, more and less confused, and in the same but different place. It feels as weird as it sounds, but I am excited to see where this same but new me takes me in 2024 and all the next years after that.
Things I’ve accomplished and am proud of this year.
I took chances and started new hobbies I have dreamt of doing for many years, but never had the courage, money or time to really get into. I’ve made some of my favorite pieces of clothing, and even my first corset which I first started drawing and dreaming of back in 2008. And although my life was been messy and stressful, with a not awesome mental health, I have been able to finish two full semesters of my masters degree in accounting and auditing at BI without flunking any course. I also managed to get out of bed each and every day of the year, which definitely has been an accomplishment for me this year. And to bake in the improvements prompt here as well, I have during this year become a lot better at seing and taking into account my own needs, to assess my alternatives more calmly, and spend my energy more efficiently. I also have gotten better at accepting imperfection, which I’ve worked on with both my studies and my sewing projects – good enough is good enough. I’m not perfect at it, but better at least.
What or who am I leaving behind in 2023?
I want to leave behind more of my inherent need to prove myself worthy, or to be someone I really don’t actually want to be. This, as well as my fear that others will negatively interpret my self-assurance and my knowing who I am and what I can make happen. Some always will, and I have to quit seeing that as anything other than their own insecurities and cultural influence. And my biggest thing I want to leave in 2023, is my need of other to understand me, who I am and why I want or do what I do. I know my goal is never to hurt others or make their life worse, if others don’t believe that I can’t keep making it my problem if it doesn’t have to be.
And finally – I forgive myself for…
… letting it get as bad as it got at times. I know that I have dealt with anxiety and depression for many years, and feel that I should know better. But I also know that no two times are the same, and you never want to believe it is as bad as it is before you either have gotten out of it again or there’s no other choice. At least that is the case for me.
So there you have it, the good, the bad, the great, the challenging and some of the things in between.
I must of course preface that there is no way I would fit everything in this post, and although I to many seem to have shared very much many would want to keep private, I have in no way shared everything. I have never been as private as many, and I do share more of my negatives as well because I do feel they are important for others to see – both those that never though about those things, and those that feel feel or have felt alone due to them. I am hopeful and excited for the year to come – and may 2024 be what is has to be, and hopefully more positive.
Q: What prompt did you find hardest to answer?
Kine lovise Fredriksen 